So far, it has been about thoughts in general, and a variety of types of obsessive thoughts have been described. It has been shown how the Restless Voice and the Voice of false Calm are fighting each other over thoughts, and how the Voice of Wisdom offers a way out of this dispute. And yet you, like any other reader, may have very specific questions about what is really bothering you. You may not be able to ask these questions to others because you are afraid or ashamed to admit your inner struggle. Below are comprehensive, clear answers to our patients ‘ frequently asked questions. Remember that anxiety disorder develops most strongly against the background of ignorance, and the more facts you know about stuck thoughts, the more competent you will act to get rid of them. Some of these answers relate to topics already covered in previous chapters.
“Do thoughts of harming my own child mean that deep down I feel anger and aggression?»
No. This idea probably originated from the old postulate of psychoanalysis that fear-inducing thoughts are associated with unconscious desires. This view was quite popular in the 1950s and earlier, and there are a large number of references to it in traditional psychoanalytic literature. You have probably heard some variations of this concept, and perhaps you have gradually come to accept it as true. It may turn out that you were led to this belief by a previous therapist.
However, now there is no doubt that this idea does not make any sense. It is of particular concern because it is associated with intense suffering and feelings of guilt that people experience for no reason at all. Unfortunately, some psychotherapists still believe that this belief reflects reality. Such specialists can focus on your desires in order to uncover the denied unconscious experiences, because they believe that in this way they can save you from obsessive thoughts. Even worse, some of them mistakenly believe that the thoughts indicate that you can actually harm your children. So they can encourage you to understand your thoughts and negotiate with them, which makes them even more intrusive!
Remember that obsessive thoughts are the opposite of desires. They get stuck and become obtrusive precisely because you reject them and fight them. These are not pleasant fantasies. These are not unconscious aspirations. They don’t say anything about you as a person, and they don’t reveal any truths that need to be explored.
On the other hand, it is not strange to not only feel warm feelings and sometimes be angry with your children, but also to experience a wide range of emotions, such as guilt, resentment, confusion or pride. This is nothing special, it is an integral part of the emotional life of any parent. Remember what was said earlier about obsessive, strange, and unwanted thoughts and the feeling of fright they cause. All this has nothing to do with the actions that you decide to take, these are the most ordinary emotions and behavior characteristic of real life.
“I have obsessive thoughts about maiming children or sexually harassing them. What is the probability that I am a secret child molester?»
It has nothing to do with it. Let’s be clear: we are not talking about people who are extremely irritable and in the past have acted violently or inappropriately, being in a state of anger or intoxication. Nor are we talking about those who enjoy imagining or participating in sexual encounters with children. On the contrary, it talks about violent thoughts and thoughts of a sexual nature that seem absurd, alien and contrary to your character. They appear offensive and terrible, as well as frightening. It seems that they appear out of nowhere and attract attention. Because of them, you may have started to avoid contact with children, but we hope that in the future you will stop doing so. You are not dangerous, and children do not need any protection from you. Remember that your anxiety disorder is only supported and strengthened when you try to avoid such thoughts.So far, it has been about thoughts in general, and a variety of types of obsessive thoughts have been described. It has been shown how the Restless Voice and the Voice of false Calm are fighting each other over thoughts, and how the Voice of Wisdom offers a way out of this dispute. And yet you, like any other reader, may have very specific questions about what is really bothering you. You may not be able to ask these questions to others because you are afraid or ashamed to admit your inner struggle. Below are comprehensive, clear answers to our patients ‘ frequently asked questions. Remember that anxiety disorder develops most strongly against the background of ignorance, and the more facts you know about stuck thoughts, the more competent you will act to get rid of them. Some of these answers relate to topics already covered in previous chapters.
“Do thoughts of harming my own child mean that deep down I feel anger and aggression?»
No. This idea probably originated from the old postulate of psychoanalysis that fear-inducing thoughts are associated with unconscious desires. This view was quite popular in the 1950s and earlier, and there are a large number of references to it in traditional psychoanalytic literature. You have probably heard some variations of this concept, and perhaps you have gradually come to accept it as true. It may turn out that you were led to this belief by a previous therapist.
However, now there is no doubt that this idea does not make any sense. It is of particular concern because it is associated with intense suffering and feelings of guilt that people experience for no reason at all. Unfortunately, some psychotherapists still believe that this belief reflects reality. Such specialists can focus on your desires in order to uncover the denied unconscious experiences, because they believe that in this way they can save you from obsessive thoughts. Even worse, some of them mistakenly believe that the thoughts indicate that you can actually harm your children. So they can encourage you to understand your thoughts and negotiate with them, which makes them even more intrusive!
Remember that obsessive thoughts are the opposite of desires. They get stuck and become obtrusive precisely because you reject them and fight them. These are not pleasant fantasies. These are not unconscious aspirations. They don’t say anything about you as a person, and they don’t reveal any truths that need to be explored.
On the other hand, it is not strange to not only feel warm feelings and sometimes be angry with your children, but also to experience a wide range of emotions, such as guilt, resentment, confusion or pride. This is nothing special, it is an integral part of the emotional life of any parent. Remember what was said earlier about obsessive, strange, and unwanted thoughts and the feeling of fright they cause. All this has nothing to do with the actions that you decide to take, these are the most ordinary emotions and behavior characteristic of real life.
“I have obsessive thoughts about maiming children or sexually harassing them. What is the probability that I am a secret child molester?»
It has nothing to do with it. Let’s be clear: we are not talking about people who are extremely irritable and in the past have acted violently or inappropriately, being in a state of anger or intoxication. Nor are we talking about those who enjoy imagining or participating in sexual encounters with children. On the contrary, it talks about violent thoughts and thoughts of a sexual nature that seem absurd, alien and contrary to your character. They appear offensive and terrible, as well as frightening. It seems that they appear out of nowhere and attract attention. Because of them, you may have started to avoid contact with children, but we hope that in the future you will stop doing so. You are not dangerous, and children do not need any protection from you. Remember that your anxiety disorder is only supported and strengthened when you try to avoid such thoughts.
“Why are some thoughts perceived as impulses?»
Even though obsessive thoughts are a sign of hyper-control, not impulsivity, you may feel the need to make a significant effort not to do as they suggest. All this is just an illusion. They only resemble impulses, but they are not.
You just feel the influence of disturbing thoughts that lead to an altered perception. When the brain sends out the characteristic signals of an anxiety disorder, your perception of many phenomena is colored in new shades. One significant change is what psychologists call the merging of thoughts and actions.: when the line between thoughts and actions becomes blurred and indistinct. Usually the difference between them is quite obvious, and thoughts are a safe way to rehearse actions without any consequences. However, when you experience anxiety, this difference seems to disappear. When you struggle hard to get rid of certain thoughts, the anxiety disorder increases many times, and the same happens with your perception of the deep difference between individual thoughts, on the one hand, and actions in the real world that have real consequences, on the other. But even if your perception has been disrupted by an anxiety disorder, it doesn’t mean that your thoughts have actually become impulses, or that they have acquired a greater ability to influence your actions if you didn’t intend to take them. A more detailed explanation of how the brain sends false alarms is provided in chapter five.
“But it’s so scary; the battle for self-control feels real. Why?»
Another reason why thoughts can seem like impulses is because of the fear that thoughts cause. Here’s how it works: when you are scared or surprised, or something happens that makes you think there is danger, the area of the brain responsible for alarms, known as the amygdala, sends signals of danger. In a stressful situation, the body’s biological systems are activated, which support a clear strategy of behavior. You may be aware of this reaction: at the moment of danger, the body goes into the “fight-run” mode. Such a reaction occurs automatically, regardless of whether the signal is false or a threat exists. The amygdala is not “particularly smart” and cannot distinguish between a real threat and a false signal. It just responds to a trigger – real or imagined – in the only way it can. It sends out an alarm. If you are frightened by the thought, and the amygdala automatically gives a signal of danger, the emotional reaction will be the same as in real danger. The sensations in the body are such that the thought may seem dangerous, impulsive, or important. This effect is discussed in more detail in the fifth chapter.
However, there is a unique mechanism of the brain cells located in the cortex, or cortex, which is able to say: “Wait a minute, this is just a thought.” It is the cortex that is responsible for rational thinking and judgment. The problem is that the messages from the higher brain arrive about half a second later than the first automatic alarm. So you get a sense of danger even before your cortex has a chance to intervene. The trio you already know will illustrate exactly how this happens.
Restless voice: I just thought I was going to jump up and shout something obscene right in the church. I had to restrain myself with all my might.
The voice of false Calm: Perhaps the best thing to do is to listen to the radio in church to distract yourself; you certainly don’t want to do that.
Restless voice: This is crazy! You won’t believe I was going to scream. I can’t even tell you that. The voice of false Calm: These impulses are absolutely terrible! Perhaps it is better to stay at home and listen to the church service on the radio. If you have to shout something out, at least no one will know about it.
The Voice of Wisdom: It only seems to be an impulse, but in reality it is only an obsession, not an impulse. The more you resist it, the stronger it gets, doesn’t it? So try to act as if it doesn’t mean anything, because it does.
Think of the Restless Voice as a false danger signal from the amygdala. The voice of false calm succumbs to his trick and tries to figure out how best to act in such a situation, if the danger was real. However, the Voice of Wisdom knows that this is a false alarm and there is no need to respond to it in any way.
“Why do I have to fight these thoughts all the time?»
We have great news for you: you don’t have to fight them! Exactly. Not only do you not have to fight these thoughts. First of all, it is the struggle that is the main reason why thoughts seem to get stuck, causing so much suffering.
Remember that you tend to block thoughts because their content seems completely unacceptable. And the longer you resist them, the more persistent they become and the more the anxiety disorder manifests itself.
“What’s wrong with me?»
Your problem is that you have obsessive thoughts – and nothing else. Psychologists know that on average, nine out of ten people experience obsessive thoughts, at least occasionally. So you are one of them. Everything went wrong from the moment you began to take your thoughts too seriously and believed that their content tells you something important about you as a person or about what actions you can do.
“I try to avoid things that make me think like that, but there are things that can’t be avoided. What can I do?»
You can try to give up trying to avoid anything. When you read about cruelty, it can make you think about violent acts. If you listen to radio broadcasts about suicide, it can provoke the appearance of unwanted images in your mind. But all this has nothing to do with your behavior. As will be discussed in more detail in chapter eight, deliberately evoking these safe but unpleasant thoughts is part of the treatment. When you no longer try to avoid or control unpleasant thoughts, they lose their power.
By themselves, thoughts do not lead to any actions. At any moment, you have a wide range of thoughts on a variety of topics in your mind. Your brain is like the broadband Internet, although you may not be aware of most of the channels it passes through.
But you decide what actions to do, guided by your own will, mood, personal preferences, and also depending on your personality type. The suffering caused by thoughts is actually caused by how you evaluate and react to them, not by their content. Increased attempts to avoid certain thoughts will prevent you from understanding this.
“I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Are these symptoms part of it?»
Well, that’s probably part of the problem. There is evidence that a significant number of people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder are also susceptible to obsessive-compulsive disorder. There are several good reasons for this.
People with obsessive-compulsive disorder develop obsessions, which are thoughts that are accompanied by intense emotions, a sense of danger or unacceptability and cause the strongest torment, as well as an urgent need to neutralize or ban them. Obsessions are a type of recurring obsessive thoughts. There is a cycle of obsessive-compulsive disorder, consisting of unwanted thoughts that provoke an anxiety disorder, and continuous attempts to reduce the level of anxiety through compulsions (uncontrollable impulses). Compulsions in obsessive-compulsive disorder can take the form of explicit forced rituals, such as washing, checking, arranging in a certain order, or counting. However, some compulsions manifest themselves exclusively in the mind and consist in constantly assuring yourself of something, or not taking into account, or avoiding obsessive thoughts. People with obsessive-compulsive disorder give their thoughts more power than they deserve. If you have obsessive-compulsive disorder, you probably tend to feel particularly uncomfortable in a situation of uncertainty. In addition, you may have noticed something about the Restless Voice and the Voice of False Calm. A restless voice is a voice with obsessive thoughts, many of which are technically obsessions. The voice of false calm is the one who unsuccessfully tries to calm the Restless voice or switch to another topic. Much of what the Voice of False Calm offers is nothing more than various types of compulsions.
“Do people go crazy when they have stuck thoughts? Does that mean I’ve already lost my mind?»
Of course not! People mistakenly believe that they can go crazy because they are strongly influenced by a minor obsession, because they do not understand what is happening. Obsessive thinking does not cause psychosis, and if you have such thoughts, it definitely does not say anything about your mental health.
However, obsessive thoughts can be so persistent, cause such severe anxiety disorder, such frustration and feelings of shame, that sometimes people say that their own thoughts drive them crazy. Of course, this phrase means the same thing as, for example, when your children annoy you or do not want to listen to you, you give up and you tell them that they are driving you crazy. In this case, the phrase means that your children are confusing you, do not want to meet you halfway, and it takes a lot of effort to keep them in check. (A lot like describing obsessive thoughts, isn’t it?)
In addition, some obsessive thoughts are so ridiculous (for example, the idea that you could drink water from a dog drinker instead of pouring it out) that you may have a suspicion that these crazy thoughts do not mean that you are really going crazy. Please keep in mind that obsessive thoughts have nothing to do with psychosis. You know perfectly well that strange, incredible, and” crazy – looking “obsessive thoughts are just strange, incredible, and” crazy-looking ” ones.
“What is the reason for these problems?»
The problem here is the question itself, as it is based on false assumptions.
Here is an example: what would you say if you were asked what method of bloodletting would best cure a patient of fever? You would say, of course, that bloodletting can’t cure a fever. In the old days, people mistakenly believed that this could be treated. However, five hundred years have passed since then. So if you were to answer such a question, it would mean that you believe in the old misconceptions.
In the same way, to talk about the cause here is to support the old myth of human emotions. When you think about the cause, you probably imagine digging into the truth and uprooting the problem, so that it is completely excluded or banished from your consciousness. This concept was widely spread fifty years ago, but now it is known that consciousness and mind are arranged differently.
Now it is known that most of the psychological problems are caused by a complex interaction of many factors: inherited (genetics), the processes of growing up that last a lifetime, personal history, including where a person grew up, what important events he experienced, what stresses he faced, and many others. More importantly, it is now known that identifying the factors that initially influenced the appearance of obsessive thoughts does not help in eliminating them at all.
Exactly. Even if you find out why the obsessive thoughts occurred, it will not help you stop them and will not ease the torment in any way. However, if you find out how you unwittingly keep these obsessive thoughts and what you can do to change the situation, these will be the most important steps on the road to recovery. In other words, focus on answering the “how” and “what” questions, not the “why”.
“I sincerely, wholeheartedly adore life, and I like the life I lead. So why do I constantly have obsessive thoughts about suicide?»
Remember that obsessive thoughts get stuck precisely because you don’t accept them or don’t agree with them. Just as sensitive people are offended by the violent thoughts they struggle with and become obsessive as a result, people who value their lives highly inadvertently reinforce the thoughts that cause them to protest internally. Believe it or not, the fleeting idea of suicide sometimes occurs to a variety of people at the most unexpected moments. Here are examples: “This knife can cause serious injuries – could I cut myself?”, “Just imagine that I would jump down these stairs”, ” What if I suddenly turn the steering wheel and collide with oncoming traffic?”, ” If Robin Williams hanged himself, can I impulsively do the same?»
Most people do not pay attention to such fleeting thoughts, and over time they simply disappear. However, if you are anxious or worried about yourself or feel overly responsible for someone else and think that such thoughts require special vigilance, then harmless thoughts like the ones described above may suddenly become frightening or inappropriate for you. This is how the struggle with thoughts begins, and that is why they become obsessive.
Thus, it is highly likely that thoughts of suicide will begin to appear in someone who has never had suicidal tendencies, depression or mental disorders. We think it is more correct to call them obsessive thoughts, rather than suicidal, because this better reflects their true nature.
“My therapist told me about stopping my thoughts. Why doesn’t it help? How about a distraction? Thoughts just come back. I’ve tried to meditate to find a state of peace and get rid of them, but I can’t do it»
Like most general practitioners, your therapist probably doesn’t know enough about this problem and doesn’t follow the latest brain research and techniques that can help you get rid of obsessive thoughts. Most of the popular methods of working with an anxiety disorder in the past and techniques aimed at coping with it do not bring any benefit to people with obsessive thoughts.
Stopping Thoughts Doesn’t Work for One Very Important Reason: this is the exact opposite of what you need to do. Stopping your thoughts is exactly what you should not do. Applying a stop-thinking technique to control obsessive thoughts is something like, “Okay, you’ve tried unsuccessfully to get rid of these thoughts in your mind. Your attempts are largely the reason why thoughts have become obsessive. So now you’re going to try another way to stop them – this time to apply a complete stop of thinking.” It has not worked in the past, it does not work in the present, so why do you assume that it will work if you again act in the old way? The answer is simple: this method will not work. It is useless, has never worked, and will not work in the future. You are probably doing stop-thinking exercises, as you were advised to do. The problem is not you – the problem is that this approach is wrong.
The point is not to try harder to stop the thoughts. You need to change the very attitude to thoughts and ideas about them, then you will not need to stop them, and they will stop drawing on themselves the energy that supports them.
The same can be said about the methods of distraction. The problem with them is this: trying to distract yourself from obsessive thoughts, you only strengthen the belief that you need to stay away from them. This implies that they are fraught with some danger and can lead to some undesirable consequences, which is not true. In addition, when you are distracted, although this may bring temporary relief, part of your mind is busy shutting out these thoughts and constantly scanning your mind to make sure that they do not return. It is this alertness and constant checking of one’s own consciousness that actually leads to their reappearance. It is much more useful (and this is what modern knowledge of thinking shows) to pay attention to this: obsessive thoughts may seem monstrous, but they do not carry any danger. And instead of learning to be distracted from thoughts, try to reduce the degree of experiences that they cause. Thoughts that have no meaning can’t affect you.
It is impossible to clear your mind of obsessive thoughts through meditation or intention. Mindfulness (refraining from making judgments, being curious, observing yourself) is definitely one aspect of solving a problem, but using meditation as a way to silence thoughts will not bring results. Regular practice of meditation as an exercise can be useful for many reasons, but it is not a way to fight thoughts.
“How can the content of my thoughts have no meaning? That sounds far-fetched»
The content of your thoughts is often quite important. But in some cases, it is completely irrelevant. You will learn how to distinguish ordinary thoughts from supposedly meaningful obsessive stuck thoughts. You will learn how to use the sensations caused by thoughts and the ways they manifest themselves to recognize thoughts that are worth considering and distinguish them from empty thoughts that are stuck in your mind for one reason or another. You will learn not to rely at all on the content of your thoughts – on what the thought seems to relate to.
It is also important to understand that everyone has obsessive thoughts that do not deserve any attention. Most of the wandering attention of any person is occupied with uninteresting fleeting observations, reactions, lengthy reflections, fragments of memories, something provoked by associations and plans. It seems that a certain part of your thinking is focused on what you consciously focus on and what you want to think about, but the rest of your attention still continues to wander. Sometimes thoughts from one part of the mind (we like to use the analogy of TV channels) are wedged into another area and temporarily draw attention to themselves. This is all perfectly normal. Usually, if you do not attach much importance to the content of such sudden thoughts, they disappear without a trace, because they are simply not worth considering carefully. However, if one of these obsessive thoughts gets stuck, starts repeating itself, becomes undesirable, is rejected, and you begin to resist it, then its content will seem unreasonably significant to you.
In the next chapter, we will present a different perspective on the most incredible and unpleasant questions that you have to face: why these thoughts do not recede, why they are perceived as impulses, and why they cause so much anxiety and guilt. You will learn about the views adopted in neuroscience, and what exactly happens in your brain and mind when obsessive thoughts appear, as well as that much of what happens is out of your control, and active attempts to correct the situation can easily lead to the opposite result.